Well, I have to be thankful for medicine I suppose. It does have it's benefits, that's for sure. Like, prolonging life, blocking pain, and easing the runs. But, in my case right now it's also making me 'normal' again, whatever that is. I feel much better today than I have for the last week or so and I'm grateful. I can actually sit at home alone and not obsess over things I have no control over. Last week was scary and I did not like it, not one little bit. I could not get my mind to behave and focus on what I knew was true. It just wanted to focus on bad things that I knew was untrue, but no matter how much I tried I could not get it under control. I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but it's bad.

We're assuming it's a side effect of the drug I'm taking to control my cancer. I have no other reason to be depressed that I know of, so I'm hanging the blame on it.

Now, during this ordeal, the one thing that was constant was my wife's understanding and patience way with me. She is the most amazing woman, full of compassion; thoughtful; caring; gentle and loving. She accepted no offense when I offered it, knowing it wasn't me that was speaking, but the depression. She listened without judgement and didn't try to figure things out for me. She was patient and loving during the whole ordeal. And when I found that I couldn't make logical decisions (like pick out a pair of shoes), she helped me out. She called the doctors for me and even found a set of tires for my car. I just couldn't get my mind to work and she sensed it. When I had to drive to Columbus to work on my daughter's house she volunteered to go with me because she knew I wouldn't do well driving that far on my own. And we really enjoyed the ride because we were able to talk things through during the trip.

I have to say again, that she is the love of my life and for good reason. She is one in a million and I can't believe she chose to live her life with someone like me. I, above all me have been blessed beyond what I deserve in this life. Thank you Lord for my wife!



You’re my closest friend, a bond that will not end

You and I together, we can face the stormy weather

and wherever I may go, you’ll be there for me I know

the warmth of your embrace I know could never be replaced


and I will never understand why you would stay

I know I try your patience everyday

but you’re my friend



You’re my closest friend I’m a amazed at how we blend

me and all my thoughtlessness and your patience never ends

and as we both grow old you’ll be there for me I know

you always seem to be a source of constant strength to me


And every dream I ever dreamed you answered

On the day that we both said I do

How can I begin to ever thank you, oh for all you do

Lynn Mulkey

The nurse gave me my injection about 3 weeks ago. It's a drug that shuts down my prostate gland and makes a few other changes in my body. After she gave me the shot, I asked her if I should expect any significant side effects, like rolling on the floor fits. She said, "No, but you'll turn into a a woman". I laughed with her not fully knowing what she meant, but I have slowly found out. The hot flashes were the first signs that something was changing. I would be just fine, and then, without warning would get a hot flush that I could not control . They varied in intensity and usually occurred early in the morning and late in the evening. But, more and more they are getting more frequent and it's a pain in the butt. But (no pun intended), it's something I can live with.

But this weekend has been a challenge, and one that I have detested. I didn't really realize that I was getting in a depressed state until sometime Thursday or Friday. I just knew I was irritable and I didn't want to do much in the evenings. Kathy was busy with her real estate business and was not home much and I found myself blaming her for little stupid things that she had no control over. I knew it was stupid but just couldn't get through it. She then spent Saturday evening at a class reunion while I sat at home and that just made it worse. By Sunday morning (after very little sleep that night) I was in a pretty bad state. I talked to Kathy about and the preacher seemed to know what was going on (smile), and it was good to get it out of my chest.

We ended up driving over to Alabama on Sunday and just relaxing and by this evening I'm feeling much better. I just realized that if this is what women go through during menopause, then I feel their pain. It's a special taste of hell when you know you're thinking wrong but can't control it.

This medicine may help me live a bit longer by keeping the cancer in check, but dang it I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

But, you know what they say? "Oh well!"

Well, it's yard work season again and I am so glad. By the time April awakens from it's slumber we're all grumpy and restless and ready for a change. I find myself examining the Bermuda for signs of life every day hoping that walking on it will hurry the process.

I've actually contracted with a lawn service this year after comparing my lawn with my neighbor's and realizing it was no competition. It's like a 90 pound 9th grader trying out for a college team, I just didn't stand a chance. I did all the right things but apparently spraying on fertilizer and weed killer works better than the granuals. Go figure,,,

We're actually getting some money back from the IRS this year, which is nice for a change, and we've allocated $500.00 to the yard. I'm so happy! It's like Christmas in the spring except I'm just buying stuff for myself instead of the kids and grandkids. I hooked up my trailer to Tony's truck and headed to the landscaping stores, buying a few loads of dirt, rock and sand and went to work on the back yard. I filled in a ditch with river rock to try and keep my yard in place in one area and planted some more thatch in another. I made 2 raised beds and bought a few plants to decorate them with. I still need to spread some pine straw in my existing flower beds but just ran out of energy and time this week. I took Tuesday off of work to do some work, but when you're by yourself you can only do so much. I love doing it, but it is tiring.

I still haven't decided on what to plant in the new beds. I've planted a few things but still have a large bed to decorate. It takes me a little while to make those kinds of decisions. It's a combination of inexperience and not knowing enough about the plants. I do a lot of reading on it, but there's just so much to take into account. Do you plant annuals, perennials, evergreens, grasses or whatever? Also, how long and when do they bloom? Aaaaaahhhh, too many decisions.

I do like the creativity involved though. It may take me longer, but it's theraputic. And, as I've gotten older I've found I need more of these kinds of things to keep me busy and focused.

Missed my friend

As many of you know, I lost a great friend a number of years ago and to be honest have never gotten over it. Ben was a unique person and the best friend I've ever known. He was intensely interested in my life, my family's life and made an that extra effort to help us live up to God's standards. He was a talker who, when we had a meal together, saw it not as an opportunity to eat, but to talk. When we took a table at a restaraunt I let the waiter know that we would be there a while and I tried to tip well.

I've got a lot of very good friends that I love dearly but I've never met anyone like Ben. I prayed the other day,,,"Lord, I'm sure you already given Ben his rewards, but would you give him one for me for being such a good friend?"

Sweet, sweet memories

You know, the brain is simply fascinating. In fact, it's fascinating that my brain is even now thinking about how fascinating it is. The brain is aware of itself and is aware of how complex and mysterious it is. It is aware of itself, but it can't explain itself. I've asked it many times why it can't do a better job or why it seems to be getting lazy as I age, but it just shrugs as if it hasn't a clue. I've tried sitting and meditating on it as if it will reveal where it's hidden past events and I just can't make any headway.

Memory is very selective. We tend to remember things that are pleasant and that make us smile and feel warm and cozy. That's a good thing really. Who wants to remember what it was like when Brenda Starkly made you feel like a backwoods hick with 3 teeth? Wait, did I actually write that? Can't remember.

Memories seemed to be locked in a safe and you have to have the right combination to retrieve them. Music is an obvious key to a lot of memories, especially love and lost love memories. It's the reason we tend to avoid some songs. Of course, the older we get the less we remember exactly what the song is attached to. It's more of a feeling that sorta warms you belly. Puppy love is a great feeling that we all cherish and songs just conjure them up like the smell of lilacs in the spring. And songs from childhood will be forever locked in our noggins. I was surfin' the web yesterday and ran across the song, "Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sunshine In". I don't remember where I heard it but I could sing along as soon as I heard it, and it invoked such a pleasant child-like feeling of innocence and peace! Ahhh, "Mom! Watch me Mom! Watch me do this!"

Bad memories have to be forcefully brought out of the darkness. We will often dwell on them and when we do we might initially like the taste, but soon remember tha pain and then must find something to drive them away again. I can still remember when my kids played sports and watching them be bullied. I devised all sorts of evil that should happen to the bullies and still will if I don't force my mind onto more pleasant thoughts. Dwelling on those sorts of things do no one any good and can open the door to bitterness and anger as quickly as anything.

I'm glad you can't remember physical pain. Now, I can remember that my kidney stones hurt like hell, but I can't actually remember the pain. All of those electrons are ghosts that quickly fade. I'm so glad. I have just enough memory to want to avoid pain, but not the pain itself.

I'm not sure why I started writing this. I had a very good reason, but just can't remember what it was. Think I'll listen to my IPOD a while and see if I remember.